Rant: 160 red flags

Friends, I have been on dates with quite a few people in my recent past. Considering the vast majority of them didn’t get past the first date, I can honestly say that dating has been a frustrating and disappointing experience.

It sometimes seems way too easy to end up with someone who is just “good enough” just so you won’t be lonely.

Speaking entirely from personal experience, and with a boatload of pure, unadulterated hope for my future, I implore you to demand the treatment you deserve. As a human being, you are entitled to a significant amount of respect and decency– ESPECIALLY from those you are considering romantic partners.

I’ve learned that the bar is never too high. People will surprise you. I’ve also learned to be on the lookout for some serious red flags that let me know that this person is not right for me at this point in time.

I’ve listed some of these warning signs below. Every single one of these points comes from my personal experience or from the experiences of my closest friends. Let that sink in for a moment.

Some are (of course) more critical than others… but I encourage you to keep your own list, and to consult it regularly. Demand from yourself that you choose partners who treat you well, and don’t accept anything less.

Life is WAY too short for guys who:

  1. PMS
  2. PMS and then blame their behavior on you
  3. Ever blame you for their behavior
  4. Invite you on a date and refuse to speak to you
  5. Say: “Sometimes I just want to be an ass.”
  6. Laugh at you when you’re concerned about them
  7. Tell you they’re used to being the only one who has issues
  8. Insult you
  9. Only talk about themselves
  10. Say: “You can get your own door”
  11. Give you whiplash with their mood swings
  12. Make you wonder if you’re doing something wrong
  13. Imply that you’re stupid, naiive, or “young”
  14. Can’t carry a conversation in a bucket
  15. Get mad at your reaction to their unacceptable behavior
  16. Ignore you
  17. Tell you they “might have to crash on your couch for a month”
  18. Insist that stormtroopers would win against ewoks
  19. Make you feel uncomfortable
  20. Always finish first
  21. Criticize the way you play with your dog
  22. Refer to your dog as “our” dog
  23. Drink so much you have to drive their plastered self back home
  24. Can’t remember your first date
  25. Make YOU feel like the crazy one
  26. Shock you
  27. Show up to a date stoned out of their mind
  28. Judge your decisions
  29. Don’t ask you to dance when swing and two-step are being played at the bar
  30. Make fun of your drink choices
  31. Don’t compliment your hair
  32. Don’t compliment your clothes
  33. Say: “If this were a first date, I would have already left.”
  34. Scare you when they drive
  35. Get in fights
  36. Dance with other guys’ girls
  37. Say: “You hate music.”
  38. Hurt you
  39. Convince you to apologize for every situation
  40. Make you want to lie to your friends and family
  41. Destroy objects that don’t belong to them
  42. Talk back to their mothers
  43. Make you walk street-side when you’re both on the sidewalk
  44. Always walk a step or two ahead of you
  45. Dismiss your suggestions for the evening
  46. Are picky eaters
  47. Lack imagination
  48. Charm every girl in a five mile radius
  49. Avoid snuggling
  50. Kiss badly
  51. Talk a big game
  52. Make you want to go home
  53. Act with complete inconsistency
  54. Spend every free minute drinking
  55. Use your dishes and wash them badly
  56. Ask you to cook for them, but never cook for you
  57. Say: “You’re just so… intense”
  58. Make racist/gay/sexist jokes
  59. Fat-shame you or others
  60. Don’t act their age
  61. Leave you hanging
  62. Ruin your lipstick and THEN your mascara
  63. Don’t respond when you ask for help
  64. Get angry/sarcastic with you
  65. Only compliment you after someone else does
  66. Grumble about the possibility of taking the dog out
  67. Stay at the bar when your baby is in the emergency room
  68. Ask if you’ll give your dog away because he’s “too big”
  69. Don’t offer to carry your heavy items
  70. Ditch you
  71. Fight with you over text
  72. Neglect to tell you that they have a child
  73. Remain silent when “good morning” and “good night” texts would be appropriate
  74. Don’t like Disney movies
  75. Complain about re-watching Game of Thrones with you
  76. Have zero hobbies/interests
  77. Invite you to go hang out with their female friend and them when they’re “just drinking”
  78. Scoff at you (for any reason)
  79. Can’t keep it up
  80. Imply that you’re “prudish”
  81. Neglect to tell you that they have a girlfriend
  82. Conveniently forget your dietary choices
  83. Read your blog and end the relationship by stating that “we’re just too different.”
  84. Invite you on a date, hoping that you’ll “fix them up” or improve their sulky mood
  85. Can’t remember your allergies
  86. Only want to be with you while they’re drunk
  87. Make fun of you for hosting dinner parties
  88. Debate your word choice
  89. Cause you to feel bad about the awesome person that you are
  90. Don’t have a big boy job
  91. Scare you
  92. Lead you on
  93. Ghost you for weeks at a time
  94. Only want to hang out when they ask you
  95. Invite you out at meal time, but don’t feed you
  96. Haven’t read Harry Potter
  97. Use emotional blackmail
  98. Act badly toward you for no conceivable reason
  99. Talk about other girls when they’re with you
  100. Spend the entire evening on their phone, flipping through facebook
  101. Don’t support you
  102. Only want to hang out at your place (or their place)
  103. Are rude to you in public
  104. Don’t show appreciation for the nice things you do for them
  105. Make you wonder if you have maybe set the bar too high
  106. Are above saying they’re sorry
  107. Don’t listen when you’re telling a story
  108. Criticize your thoughts
  109. Fight you over your fundamental beliefs
  110. Leave you feeling lonely when you’re with them
  111. Say: “You’re just too nice.”
  112. Make you bend over backwards to be in a relationship with them
  113. Complain about using protection
  114. Only use your name when they’re angry with you
  115. Don’t have a favorite color, song, book, band, movie, or tv show
  116. String you along as a romantic backup plan
  117. Compliment your body but not your mind
  118. Drink and drive
  119. Become the main subject of most of your therapy sessions
  120. Aren’t in love with your personality
  121. Handle you roughly
  122. Deliberately hurt your feelings
  123. Make you wait
  124. Get arrested
  125. Refuse to drive when you go out together
  126. Threaten you (even subtly/emotionally)
  127. Make you doubt yourself
  128. Treat the waitstaff poorly
  129. Don’t understand that “no” means no
  130. Pressure you
  131. Yell at you over the phone
  132. Take you for granted
  133. Share their food by feeding you with their fork
  134. Somehow manage to get out of everything
  135. Pester you with unimportant calls when you’re out with your friends
  136. Lie to you
  137. Take everything too literally
  138. Look down on other people
  139. Are way too obsessed with their job
  140. Don’t care if you’re having a good time
  141. Never notice when you’re unhappy
  142. Expect you to do all the work
  143. Dismiss your worries
  144. Don’t call you back
  145. Go out with another girl too soon after you break up
  146. Cheat on you
  147. See you shivering and don’t offer you their jacket
  148. Have a problem with LGBT+ rights
  149. Say: “I’m sorry I did that, but you…”
  150. Would prefer a night of Halo over hanging out with you
  151. Can’t take care of their own business
  152. Need a babysitter
  153. Assert that you don’t even know them
  154. Don’t take care of their mental/physical health
  155. Lack social skills
  156. Can’t take a hint
  157. Don’t hold your hand when you’re out together
  158. Make you feel relieved to be out of their presence
  159. Don’t dress appropriately for the occasion
  160. Push your boundaries

“Ain’t nobody got time for that!!”