Hello, all.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m not entirely sure what this post will be about. I’m not sure if I will post this writing at all, and I’m even less sure if I will finish it.
The problem I’m facing: writer’s block.
The reason: NO IDEA
Ok, well, I do have SOMEWHAT of an idea. I’ve been in a sort of limbo mental state for about a month now, and it has a lot to do with circumstances outside of my own head.
I’ve been challenged this month with a ton of alone time. Down time. Free time. Aka, I’ve been at home, trying to fill the endless hours, and I’ve run out of Game of Thrones episodes to catch up on.
In short, I’m going stir crazy waiting for my boss to come home from traveling so I can return to a normal work schedule.
You’d think with all this free time at my disposal, I would take the opportunity to write thousands of blog posts, get a head start on Etsy marketing, read a million books from by TBR shelf, go out and do fun things I didn’t have the energy to do before, and generally enjoy myself fully.
You’d think. That’s not exactly how this turned out. I enjoyed myself for about two weeks. Last month. And then the travel kept getting longer and longer, and here I am two months later beating myself up for not being more productive.
My head is screaming at me:
“You have it MADE, girl! Enjoy this time!”
“This is everybody’s DREAM! What’s wrong with you that you’re not loving every minute of it?”
Yet, because I consistently prove that I refuse to be or do what my head thinks I should, I continue to feel stuck. Paralyzed. Blobby. Blah.
The truth of the matter is that I need structure to my day, and I’m struggling bigtime to implement it for myself.
While I hate to admit it, I have realized that I require more than just intrinsic motivation to be successful. I can only force myself to do things for so long until Depressed Mandi decides enough is enough and I end up on the couch binge-watching YouTube videos.
In order to be productive, I rely on deadlines, pressure, and external rewards.
I don’t like admitting that about myself. I want to be Perfect Mandi with infallible work ethic and an entirely self-sufficient motivational core. I’m not so shallow as to need external validation!!! (cough)
So, here I am, explaining away my absence.
I’m not sure at all how to combat this season of my life besides just letting it be and hoping that it will run its course soon enough.
Setting goals, writing day-planner-style time frames, keeping a calendar, and even setting a morning alarm to get up at a specific time have all failed me as coping mechanisms this month.
For some reason, I just plain won’t do any of the things I tell myself to do.
Until further notice you can find me vegging in front of my phone screen on the comfy couch, dreaming sadly about the words I want to write, the books I want to read, the things I want to create, and the fun I want to have.
Replace every “want to” above with the word “should” and you’ll catch a glimpse of what it’s like to be me right now!
Blobby Mandi, reporting for duty! Sort-of. I’m here, in any case. I’m typing, which is a start.
If you have any tips for how to get my unruly and stubborn self out of this slump, I’m more than happy to hear them! Shoot me a comment down below.
Finally, thanks for hanging in there with me. While I haven’t been writing these last few weeks, I have been keeping up with my site views every now and then. I’m honored to see that some of you are still checking in on me. That warms my heart. I’m honestly writing this because you’re still here to see it. Thank you.
“What if you were always stuck in one place, your mind spinning and unable to go forward like tires clenched in mud, because the answers wouldn’t reveal themselves to you?”
― Will Lavender