How I Am

This post includes a selection of my very favorite Austin wildflowers. These photos all come from my morning walks with Leben, and bring joy to my heart.

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In trying to get back to blogging again, I’ve found myself struggling with perfectionism. I put pressure on myself to write “meaningful” content, to come up with “unique” ideas, to post ever-more-frequently, and to increase my site traffic. The pressure is overwhelming, and I procrastinate without posting at all.

In acknowledgment of these urges, and in defiance of them, I choose today to post a simple self-update. May authenticity grant courage and strength!

A couple of days into my “new” life, I finally got the chance to stop, breathe, and evaluate.

This is a practice that is incredibly important to me. I usually trek on without pausing to notice how I’m feeling mentally, emotionally, or physically. This leads me to working myself into the ground.

Moments like these, moments of purposeful self-awareness, are what keep me afloat.

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This week, I have taken note of little indicators of my wellbeing:

I spend minutes at a time playing with Leben

I laugh

I smile

I go to the kitchen and cook for myself upon arriving home

My laundry is clean and put away

My pantry and fridge are full of fresh groceries

I wake up in the morning without sleeping 2 hours past my alarm

Food tastes good to me, and sometimes it tastes delicious

I hum and sing

Stories captivate my attention

I wonder

I have new ideas

2 and 3pm pass quickly and without sleepiness

I choose to do things I’ve been avoiding

My room is clean

I call my family just to chat

Letters are leaving my mailbox every other day

I try new recipes

I let myself buy Cap’n Crunch Berries

When I’m hungry, I eat a snack that I’ve prepared

I linger in how good comfy clothes make me feel

Little things inspire me

Books are getting finished that I’ve been reading for months

My grocery bill is normally-priced, and I’m not impulsively buying unnecessary things

Music fills my car instead of silence

I take the time to appreciate moments of physical touch

I arrive to work and leave from work with pleasant thoughts

I notice the weather

 

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All of these things were noticed in the midst of one of the hardest weeks in our country’s recent past. Amidst murders, tragedy, fear, and anger, I managed to stay afloat. Existential crises remained blissfully out of my mind. I felt and experienced the pain, but I did not ruminate. I survived.

[I do know that my experience with these tragic events is minimal and laughable compared to those individuals directly impacted by these circumstances. However, world events usually effect me more than I would like. Especially with one shooting occurring in my very home town, I am shocked that I am not completely wrecked right now.]

This week I also endured a personal disaster of sorts: Leben, my baby, had to go to the emergency vet and be hospitalized due to a severe gastro-insult of unknown cause.

I may have had an anxiety attack in the vet’s office.

I may have been basically incoherent trying to explain to the staff what the problem was.

I may have come home and frantically cleaned my entire apartment, too full of anxious energy to sleep.

Despite all these things, I managed to function. I reached out and accepted comfort from my family, I kept going to work, I followed up on my puppy’s strenuous medication needs.

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This did not break me.

This could have (would have?) broken me only a few brief months ago.

For that, and for Leben’s health, I am very grateful.

β€œIt’s not always necessary to be strong, but to feel strong.” ― Jon Krakauer

 

snadler93

2 Comments

  1. Thank you, friend!!!! I’m SO excited for your new blog. I miss you.

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